homesickness...
Today my mom sent me this picture and it made me homesick...i miss the south. i miss my parents backyard. I would love to be sitting in the chair with a cup of coffee enjoying the sounds and smells of that back yard...this morning I desperately needed to be sitting there instead of where i was...
my heart's desire...
"You do not have because you do not ask" James 4:2c
"Lord all my desire is before you; and my sighing is not hidden from You." Psalm 38:9
"so whatever you ask the Father in My name, He will will give you." John 15:16b
three verses in less than 24 hours...okay I understand Lord. Really I am listening. It is so hard to really ask for something that I have asked for before. I have wanted this for over a decade and for one reason or another God has said no. Sometimes He has been clear and other times He has let me get really close only to tell me no again. But the reality it is one of the greatest desires of my heart. It is honestly all I have ever wanted to do.
I don't remember not wanting to be a teacher. As a child i played school with my dolls...yep not making that up. I love school supplies even to this day. I always enjoy going to staples or target when they put out the rows of new pens, pencils, notebooks and folders. I always walk through that area even when I don't need anything. Teaching is all I have ever wanted to do. I went to school and earned the degree. I took the test and acquired the license and haven't really used it...And now I find myself thinking about what to do next in life. This job has always been temporary and hopefully it will end this summer. The next step is to figure out what to do after this ends...And I need to pray for that next step.
I want to teach, Lord. I desperately want to find a job teaching in a school. I want to have my own classroom and my own students. I am ready to start the process again. I want to claim Psalm 38:9...All my desire is before you. You know my heart. I think my desires are pure and I believe they are of you. Please show me the place you want me to teach...
distractions
tonight/today i have been completely distracted...i can't seem to do the things i need to do. Today i needed to grab every second of the day studying when i had a spare moment. instead i seemed to be on the phone or cooking something new or blogging... i just can't seem to focus. I don't usually have a hard time studying but today it is a no go. And the last few days i have been doing the same thing with God...
I find myself finding something else to do besides read the word. I have been skipping my James bible study. I am not using baby feeding time to read psalms on my phone. I am not sure what I am avoiding or even why I am avoiding Him. I think i just fear what is next. He has been tough on me the last few weeks. Of course all needed toughness...but tough just the same. A friend gave me some words of wisdom the other day maybe i should try to put them into practice. Direct quote..'you know you would save yourself a lot of energy if you took joy in His discipline/speaking to you/teaching you instead of grumbling about it. AND He'd get a lot more done a lot less painfully.'
I don't know if i totally agree with the grumbling part but deep sigh I definitely need to find some joy in what God is trying to teach me and avoiding the Word isn't going to accomplish it...
women of my world...
Women are an interesting beings. I wish there was some way to describe how we think and why we do the things we do. But honestly that is just plain impossible. I am starting to believe God created women in order to help us recognize the mystery of Himself. Because let's be honest...women don't even understand themselves much less each other. And we are so different it is impossible to put us in a box. Last night I was blessed to spend sometime sitting and talking with some godly women. We ate together and then talked for 3 hours about everything in life and I do mean everything. I walk away from moments like that and shake my head in awe of the conversations women have. Part of me wonders if guys have anything similar to this and the other part completely understands why men don't understand us and they never will!
I am grateful that I have godly women in my life that I can sit with and talk with about life and everything in it. I have been blessed to find those in most seasons of my life. I have already started praying that God will help me find those women for wherever I end up next. Last night I needed that girl time. I needed to verbalize some things I had been thinking about. I am grateful they were there to listen. I am also grateful that I was able to listen to them also...In order to truly understand each other we often times just need to sit in a room with no distractions and talk...talk about life and God and ourselves and even sex:) Sorry ladies i just couldn't help putting that in there.... Maria, Michelle and Adel thank you...Thank you for sharing yourselves and being open honest godly women...
ummmm
My mind is literally going in about four hundred directions tonight. I am having the hardest time focusing on anything. Today has been a good day but a long heavy day. I am not 100% sure why. The sermon at church lead me to a list of things I desperately need to process, but I can't seem to focus on anyone thing in particular. I seem to be unable to concentrate on anything for longer than 5 minutes. Maybe part of me is avoiding processing....part of me is afraid of what God is asking me do to...part of me is scared of what I may have to start praying for...
Today's sermon was on Mark 4:35-41 when Jesus calms the storm. I feel like I am in the midst of the stormy circumstances of life, but I am almost afraid to wake God up and ask for help. Often times that asking for help means I have to do something also. I may have to think about my faith or handle a little rebuke from Jesus....
this is enough for today...
"Why are you relying on yourself, only to find yourself unreliable? Cast yourself upon him, do not be afraid. He will not withdraw himself so that you fall. Make the leap without anxiety; he will catch you and heal you." Saint Augustine
Confessions
Irony
i took the kiddos to barnes and noble today...at least once a week i have to get around the normal human population! There were a couple of religious book displays located in the store. The sad part is that it kind of freaked me out! It took me a few minutes to realize it was for Easter...I think i have been living in the northeast too long....but i digress...
I picked up a kids daily devotional and turned to today's date just to see what it said. I will not share all of what was printed because I am still a little annoyed that is was something that God knew I needed to hear and I am still processing it...and obviously not happy about it! dang it... But I will share one of the verses listed.
I Chronicles 16:11 "Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!" Yes i recognize the irony of that being the verse...
start talking...
so i skipped the weekend because I had my favorite person in the world around so i was okay with making the sacrifice:)
I was always terrible at the no talking thing as a child. I know this is a complete surprise to anyone who knows me! ha! It is impossible to count the number of times I would get mad at someone and say I am not talking to you anymore.(yes I know I still say this today!) If I left the room I could last longer but if I stuck around it would take me about 45 seconds to start to say something. Usually I was attempting to clarify my point and make sure that the other person knew I was right. When it comes to an argument I have a hard time not making sure my point is made. I always want to withdraw into stubborn silence until the other person can't take it anymore and says something first. However that never seemed to happen. I always caved in first. But the same can't be said in my relationship with God.
Unfortunately my knee jerk reaction when I am frustrated with God is to withdraw all my affection. It is awful. I would like to say this is a one time occurrence but as I type I can think of time after time when that has been the case. I want something and God says no or wait...I digress into a life of superficial faith. It looks great on the outside. No one but me knows that my faith barely scratches the surface. I am doing all the correct works, saying all the correct things and pretending with the best of them. However I am mad at God for not making things work out the way I want in my own personal timing. This morning I realized I am doing it again....right now...in this season.
I have commented to a few people over the last few months that I am really having a hard time letting the word of God be alive to me. I feel like I am stagnant in my Bible time. I am not in awe or amazed. I say I am grateful and I am...God has blessed me a lot in the last year and a half. My life is different because of those blessings, and I don't ever want my life not to have them. However I find myself wanting more...again. I hate seeing that selfishness in myself. I hate that my selfishness has turned into being annoyed at God. I want things to fall into place immediately. I see what I think my future is going to look like, and I want it to start now. I am tired of road blocks or things that keep pushing everything back. I want it NOW! so I have defaulted to my withdrawal of affection reaction...and it is ugly. I am not even pretending to talk to God right now. Oh I am doing my bible studies and crossing things off my list, but it isn't personal. I am not talking to the one person who can be with me through this season...
I find myself needing to sit down with God and just talk and maybe even cry a little but oh I am afraid of what could happen if I did...
ouch
i have always shuddered at being called religious. Like a good southern baptist i immediately tell you that I am not religious...I have a relationship. It is not a religion! but this morning while studying my James
Beth Moore she discusses what does it mean to be religious. Yes she stomped on my toes and yes she meant to..
"religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." James 1:27
I have to admit that I am not religious. But this morning I realized that is not a good thing. I don't do either one of those things...How heart breaking that I don't even try to be religious...
an unequivocal yes
"for all that has been, thanks. For all that shall be, yes" Dag Hammarskjold
would i ever have the courage to say to yes to all that shall be? what a tough concept...
today i was gonna write another grateful. I am really trying to be intentionally grateful for the blessings in my life...especially during this season...a season of rest is what i want but the reality is that it isn't what i have so instead I want to be in a season of thanksgiving... So it is easy for me to say that "for all that has been, thanks"....or at least i can say that for the good things. but can i say yes to all that shall be? the good, the bad, the painful, the things i may not get...
Today my mom sent me this picture and it made me homesick...i miss the south. i miss my parents backyard. I would love to be sitting in the chair with a cup of coffee enjoying the sounds and smells of that back yard...this morning I desperately needed to be sitting there instead of where i was...
