honesty
today i am grateful for honesty...i have been blessed to have people in my life who are honest. They are honest about life and they are honest with me. Sometimes that honesty isn't fun to deal with or hear. However it is often times completely necessary. Yesterday someone called me out for something...though i didn't want to hear it or think about it I needed to hear it. Tonight I was able to hear friend be honest about something in her life and how one day i will experience something similar. I am blessed to have authentic people in my life...I am glad God uses those people in my life.
scared to ask
Last year was a year of big changes for me...so many things happened that completely changed my life that it is a little overwhelming....Okay sometimes alot overwhelming. I look different and who i am is different. Hopefully all for the better...Some of these changes are the biggest blessings I think i could ever receive from God. I find myself daily being overwhelmed by God's blessing...He has given me some things I never thought i would get. and i really mean never thought i would receive them...
maybe that is why i find myself struggling to ask for something else...something i want. Do i think God has run out of blessings for me? Do i fear the answer No? Am i prepared if the answer is yes? Can i honestly ask in faith believing that He could say yes?
watching and shaping
"the Lord looks down from heaven; He observes everyone. He gazes on all the inhabitants of the earth from His dwelling place. He alone shapes their hearts; He considers all their works." Psalm 33:13-15 HCSB
It should make me nervous to know that God is in his dwelling place watching and observing. However today it brings extreme comfort. sometimes when i am so tired and often times frustrated i like being reminded that He is watching...He is actively watching and observing. Not like a spectator at a football game or an audience member in the movie theater... He is the director and the shaper...He is shaping my heart...He is considering my works. He cares about me...me specifically...Oh how lovely that sounds today! thank you Lord for watching me today...
deformed heart
Sometimes it is hard to sit down with the Word of God and let it speak to you. this morning there was some toe stomping. I was doing everything i could to let myself be distracted...keeping the
tv on and trying to skip questions. But alas to no avail...God had an purpose behind my pathetic attempts at distracting myself. I hate when He does that!
For the last week I have been made extremely aware of how evil my heart is. I find myself wanting to be selfish and wanting to do what I want when I want regardless of the consequences. My stress level has pushed me to the wanting to snap level. I feel the need to yell and whine and complain. The urge is starting to overpower my normal optimistic slant towards life. I truly hate seeing that in myself. I hate the feeling of bitterness and annoyance. Finding the good in all things is one of my favorite things even if it annoys the heck out of other people!
This morning while working my way through my Beth Moore James study the concept of deformed desires is discussed. For my entire Christian life I have been told to pray for the desires of my heart and God will give them to you. Scripture backs up this concept. I believe this is true. But what happens when the desires of your heart are deformed?? Can I honestly admit what the desires of my heart are? am i willing to admit that some of them are deformed? Because lets be honest they are...everyone has deformed desires. I don't like to think about them. But maybe today i should. Because actually admitting them might help me to get rid of them and turn them into the desires that God has for me.
Proverbs 19:3 (NLT) "people ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the Lord." I don't want that to be me. I don't want my own selfishness and deformed heart to cause me to be angry at God.
Jeremiah 29:11-13"for i know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." I want that future and that hope but first I have to search for the Lord with all my heart...and I have to search with an awareness of my deformed desires...
heart home vs. stuff home
Today i arrived back in New Jersey after spending 8 days in
Florida with the nanny family (in other words i have worked non stop for 2 weeks!!) I am so exhausted coherent thought really is a struggle. as i attempt to make this post make sense it is 8:15pm and i am trying to decide how early i can go to bed!
all day i have talked with the kiddos about how nice it will to get back home. We have talked about what we missed and what we can't wait to play with. For me the answer was my bed and my room! hey it is all i have right now:) When i walked in my room I immediately put down all my stuff and went ohhhh it is so good to be home. Then i remembered that isn't really my home. It just isn't...and i don't want it to be. This is my job....my job which also happens to be where a sleep. What a weird world i live in??
For the moment home is where my stuff is...because believe you me my heart is not here! My earthly heart home is located much farther south than this bizarre Jersey world i find myself in...now the tough question...what is my responsibility to my 'stuff home'? do i have one? am i suppose to view this entire earthly world as my 'stuff home'? is heaven suppose to be my 'heart home'?
yep tired to decipher the answers to these questions...but something to ponder
hand channels
"the king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever He wishes. Every man's way is right in his own eyes, But the Lord weighs the hearts. to do righteousness and justice is desired by the Lord more than sacrifice." Proverbs 21:1-3
what a beautiful picture of how God controls all because He knows all...My heart is disgusting. I want to do righteousness and justice but i can't seem to...Lord turn my heart so it does what you want...I want what you desire. And I need to let you have control again...you do so much better than I do...
great design
one of the greatest architectural creations of all time is pretty much anything that falls in the porch, balcony, patio genre. living in new jersey has almost completely deprived me of the privilege of an early morning cup of coffee on the patio. Every chance i have had over the last year and a half to start my day in that manner i have jumped on. One of the perks of my job at the moment (trying to find the positive in my job where ever i can right now!!) is that we usually stay in nice places on vacation with balconies...
for the last few days i have been up at 6:30 with 2 or 3 eager kids. right after breakfast we head straight for the balcony (this place has 2:) with a blanket and a cup of coffee i try to enjoy the fresh air and beautiful creation God has given me...and oh how i have needed it. Just to stop and sit and look....the only sound is the random birds calls and a little childhood arguing.
But i am reminded of God's creation and the joys of a balcony. so today i am grateful for the a nice condo with balconies and pretty comfy chairs and the chance to read the word of God outside....It is almost worth getting up at 6:30 so i have a little time to enjoy it...
Psalm 8:3-6 "When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have ordained; What is man that You take thought of him, and the son of man that You care for him? Yet You have made him a littler lower than God, and You crown him with glory and majesty! You make him rule over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under his feet,"
season of lent
Today is ash wednesday. I am exhausted. Plan and simple...I don't remember the last time i felt so completely done in. I have so many thoughts running through my head that my head actually physically hurts. No seriously 5 weeks yesterday-non stop head ache pain. Stress and exhaustion i think are major contributors...
so i find myself going into this Lent with a serious need for a season...a season for something....a season to stop....a season to think....a season to meditate...a season to write..
Last year was a year of a lot...a lot of changes...blessings...complication....maybe i just need a season of process.
so hear is my plan... I am not going to sacrifice something physical this lent season. I am going to challenge myself to journal everyday and process what God and I are going to work through and ponder. No rules for my rambling....very little editing...some serious and maybe some not..some long or maybe all short...But I want to take time everyday to stop and write something. Call me selfish but I need some process time....so my blog is the place i am using in order to try to hold myself accountable. So lets see if I can keep it up and not get fussed at for adding more stuff to my list of things to do instead of less....
Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven-
