settling in
is it possible to settle in and not just settle? life is calm and i am enjoying it. i am enjoying the normalacy of life especially with the hubby...i get up, work, home, exercise (sometimes:), cook, relax, sleep and start over the next day.
however am i getting a little too comfortable in my life? am i a little too comfortable with the normal? am i striving towards what God desires for my life or am i settling?
bigger question am i taking honest time during my normal life to even find out what God wants of me?
That kind of joy....
I learned the Lord's Prayer in first grade Sunday school. My teacher had been the teacher for that class for about 100... Okay maybe 50 years and she wasn't exactly the most loving person in the world. To put it nicely she was your typical old grumpy southern baptist Sunday school teacher...had taught for so long she had lost all joy for the job. For 2 years I attended every Sunday unless sickness prevented it. I seem to have forgotten all those Sundays. However I vividly remember standing up every week and reciting the Lord's Prayer King James style at the end of every class...and it stuck.
Today in church I sat in front of a just turned 4 year old who took great joy in reciting the Lord's Prayer....the parts she really knew especially;) She was proud of her knowledge. She was particpating in the prayer portion of the service. She almost shouted the parts she knew really well.
Lord I hope I had that kind of joy when I learned the prayer many years ago. Lord I want to find that joy again when I learn something new about your word...teach me to find joy in my knowledge of you...
Program please
Tonight I sat in a darkened theater next to a gentleman who checked his program every 3 to 4 minutes. The reason I know was because his cell phone was his beacon in the dark. He clearly didn't have an overwhelming desire to be there but that isn't what struck me....at the end of every number you could easily see lights pop up all over the quaint opera house as many others viewed their programs. We have to know what is next....
Clearly we live in a world where we are always thinking on to the next task or wondering what is next. We all want a program. A clear guideline to show us what is next or how many steps to the part we really want to see....why can't we stop now and enjoy?
A child never thinks about what is next on the agenda. The right now is what matters...later is not even on their radar. It is a concept everyone has to learn...I think I need to find a little of that right now...enjoy the right now. Stop seeking a program or worrying about what is next or even focusing on what was...just stop and be involved in right now...
Anger or not
No one likes to admit when they are angry or even say they get angry. This thought occurred to me in the midst of talking to a wide variety of people today....I had to ask this question over and over again. Not a single person wanted to give an example of the last time they were angry. A few of them admitted they felt that anger was such a strong term....they had been frustrated or annoyed but never angry. I was a little surprised.
Maybe I am weird but I have gotten angry in the past...far past and near past. Yep I have a temper.... I try to keep it hidden. However sometimes it rears its ugly head. When it happens it is not pretty...I yell, cuss, and often times cry. Thank goodness it doesn't happen often but when it does it is the worst.
But is it okay to get angry? God did; however His anger was always justified. Do I have the right to get truly angry? Can my anger ever be truly just since I am 100% sinful? Or maybe I should think more about how I react in my anger? Perhaps that is the bigger issue...
Proverbs 29:11 Fools vent their anger,but the wise quietly hold it back. (NLT)
preparation....
lent is a season when many Christians prepare for Easter by observing a period of fasting, repentance, moderation and spiritual discipline.
all four are tough aspects of the Christian walk. they are all challenging and usually painful. yet we are called to do all four of these things, among other things. what area do i really need to focus on? what areas of my life need one or more of these things?
i fear there are more areas than i really want to work on...deep sigh...let the season start...time to listen i suppose.
But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Romans 9:20
(note...posts during lent will vary in length and have minimal amounts of editing...the point is to process and ponder and talk with God...so forgive the mistakes and focus on the purpose :)
How do I do that?
I can't really say I have every thought about it...not sure if you can or could or should...how do you become someone different ok maybe different isn't the right word...how do you become somthing else?
I was born a daughter. I never had to think about what it meant to act like or be a daughter. I was born one so it isn't like I had time to try to figure it out. I was just one...granted there are times I am a good one and times I am a bad one.
Being a girl...same thing...I was born one. I don't know what it is like to not be one and I am totally ok with it. Sometimes I am a nice one and sometimes I am a mean one....not proud of it...just stating fact!
A friend requires a little more work but I have been doing this my whole life. I am wise enough finally to pick people that usually make being a friend easy. I like them and they like me so we are friends. I have managed to pick outstanding drama free friends for the last few years....sometimes I am a pretty good one and sometimes I am a lazy one.
Now I am a wife. I, like most girls, have spent a large part of my life wishing, hoping and praying for Mr. Right (ie the man God intended for me). I wanted a person to be my person. I couldn't wait to meet, fall in love and marry my best friend. And it has finally happened. I am married...yay! I am someone's wife...slight problem....I have no earthly idea how to do that or be that or even really know what that means.
I mean I know how to do all the "taking care of the house things" cooking, cleaning, general housekeeping , future child care....check, check, check, check,....I have always done those things. I am the hostess, and I love taking care of others.
The problem is my husband also knows how to do those things. He is a full grown adult who lived alone for many years. I can maybe trump him in the child care area but right now that isn't an issue! Truth is he can do all those things without my help. Those things are just general skills.
What does a wife do? What is my job? How can I actually be the wife God intended for my husband. No one gave me instructions on being wife....or did they?
I did a little word search in scripture on wife. I am am sure you aren't surprised that it pops up several...ok tons of times. Maybe if I want to be a godly wife to my husband I should read what God tells me to do. Why do I get the feeling this isn't going to be a feel good endeavor?
not any easier...
at some point you get used to it right...just one time you know exactly what you are getting into and how to handle it. maybe this time will be different....all the feelings won't overwhelm me. i will know exactly what to do and how to handle it...right? eventually you learn...
of course this isn't the first time i have experienced this and i am pretty sure it won't be the last time. however every time it hits me i am still surprised..starting over and moving is just plain tough.
yes i have been in south alabama world (and yes world is appropriate because it is unlike anywhere i have ever lived before!) for six months now. usually the emotional lonely wave hits earlier than this. normally six months in i have built some relationships and settled in. granted things will still surprise me but life is becoming normal and friendships are growing.
however this move was of course slightly different. i moved to someone and not to a place...i am glad i did move to someone this time. that part made the move a little easier. it helps that he is my best friend and now my husband (still weird). and as much as i love him and want to spend all my time with him. lets be honest not the wisest of things for an extrovert such as i. first my husband is an introvert who loves his books and his quiet. second he is a boy..i mean man. they are just different. he loves having me around all the time and gets a little sad when i leave him alone for too long. however sometimes he just needs me in the room not talking and sometimes i need someone to discuss live with serious and silly. i need a girl friend or more than one...
yep i am lonely for some face to face time with friends of the female world. so this weekend i doing something that i have grown to detest. i am going on a woman's retreat...yep i said grown to detest. i am not sure when the change happened or even why it happened. i grew up attending church retreats for kids, youth and woman. every year almost like clockwork i attended between 2 to 4 conferences a year...during college the trend continued...after missionary world i sometimes spoke at them...but i have grown to really dislike them.
i know what i don't like about them and i always claim i going to stop attending them...however here i go again. and this time the motive is completely awful. it isn't about extreme God concentration...though i wish it was...it is a sad ploy to meet more people and hopefully gain a friend or 2 in the process...
blah....yep so far moving and starting over is not getting easier...the worst part about the next 2 days is that i am about 99% sure God will throw me a curve ball and i will become the over emotional basket case that i don't like...
