no directions and okay with it
I would like to think that I am a low maintenance type of person. I want to believe I am laid back and will take whatever life throws at me...but let's be honest that just isn't me. I am a control freak who really likes to be in charge and plan all things out. I will act like I really don't care but a lack of plans stresses me out. I am much better than I used to be. I am okay with not always driving or not always having directions. Getting lost doesn't make me want to have a heart attack. I don't have to pick the restaurant or the movie. I have learned to take lives little curve balls...notice I said little. Now the big ones I don't handle very well. I tend to get angry, frustrated and stressed out when the BIG curve balls come my way. Tears are shed and unwise words are spoken.
Over the last couple of months those BIG issues have been a little overwhelming for me. I am amazed at how well I am handling the changes. I even had someone point out to me how well I am handling everything...especially the unknown/floaty aspect of my life. I have no idea what God is going to do in my life over the next few months. And for the first time in my life I am at peace with the not knowing. You guys know me well enough to know that I live for my five/ten/twenty year plans. Even if they never come true I still need to have the plans...Lately I am okay with not having a plan or a clear direction.
And yesterday I figured out for the last five weeks my life has been permeated with scripture. I have spent more time in the last five plus weeks studying scripture. Talking about what God is doing in my life has become a daily thing. Every morning I am spending at least an hour studying the bible, reading challenging/theological books, and talking to God. It has been over five years since I have been that focused on God. He is the only way I am making it through this season in my life. I am so glad that I am 100% covered in the comfort of His arms.....it is so much easier to let Him be in control when I am actually spending quality time with Him. Right now I would be a wreck without His love, grace, and peace...
thanksgiving in may
Being grateful is often times a challenge for me. I don’t know if it is because I don’t like to get ooey-gooey or fear of expressing emotions or pure selfishness. Every year at Thanksgiving my mom makes us go around the table and say what we are grateful for over the last year. And every year I struggle with what to say. However over the last several days I have been aware of the blessings God has given me. I seem to be more aware of what God has done for me lately and am in awe of Him. Here are some of the ones that seem to be dominating my heart right now…
Relationships…I have some amazing friends. Friends who listen to me complain, encourage me when I need it, make me laugh out loud, share their lives with me and allow me to be part of their lives…regardless of the time or the place I have a list of people I can call and they know they can call me also.
Time with God…Those moments when I know that I am growing in my walk with God are what enable me to wade through those times where my walk with Him is stagnant. Right now I am so grateful that I am in a growing place. I find myself eager to delve into His word every day and am excited to see what He is going to show me or teach me. It is thrilling.
Being challenged…I miss being able to talk about what God is doing and what He is teaching me. I enjoy having a conversation about theology…mine and others. For the last year or two I have been in the teacher role. Don’t get me wrong I love it, but I miss being challenged. Lately most of my conversations about faith have consisted of me asking others hard questions in order to challenge them. I have been blessed over the past week alone to talk with some of my smarter than me Christian friends. They challenge me and make me think about things I have never thought about. I love it…I love that it motivates me to ask deeper questions and find the answers.
My parents…It takes a lot to be 30 and living at home. I don’t know where I would be right now without them. They are some of my best friends. My dad taught me how to be responsible, to be independent, and to debate. My mom taught me how to cook, how to laugh and how to be compassionate. Since it was mother’s day yesterday I was able to spend the day with my mom. We went to lunch, went shopping and had coffee. I am blessed to have my mom in my life. She makes me laugh more than anyone I have every known. She has overcome more than anything I could ever imagine and still manages to have a larger than life optimistic godly spirit. I hope one day I can be half as good a mom to my children as she is to me…
Relationship Freedom
(Disclaimer: You all know that I want to be married one day when I find that guy who loves Jesus A LOT! Just using the illustration to make a point!)
I have this friend I used to work with who loved to ask me first thing Monday morning if I had a date at some point over the weekend…my response was usually ‘No…How many fights did you have with your wife this weekend?’ The reason he always asked this question is because he had been married for over a year and loves it! He wants me to have the same joy he has. I would then remind him of some of the privileges of being single…no spouse to anger or irritate me, no asking permission to do something or to go somewhere. Though I want to be married someday I am honest enough to recognize the benefits of not having that serious relationship to limit my freedoms!
Isn’t a relationship with Christ the same way? The most challenging relationship I will ever be part of is my one with God. Being a Christian is freaking hard work! You constantly have to work at it…the more involved I become in the relationship the more work it requires. I can chose to delve deeper in that relationship or I can avoid it for fear that it will limit my freedoms. But does it really? Does being a Christian limit my freedoms? According to scripture it does the opposite…grace and faith increase our freedoms. But it is a freedom fraught with responsibility…responsibility that is scary and so hard to understand.
Christianity requires you to get up close and personal with God. But can you ever get too personal with God? Too intimate? Too in your life? Have I ever used my fears of opening up as an excuse to not get close to God? As a Christian is easy to hide behind tasks and goals instead being part of a relationship. We like to be able to check Him off our list. But when we get in a serious relationship with God, He is all in. He wants to examine every aspect of our lives. When you are in a relationship with Him, it is personal and intimate….but that also means it will be challenging, exhausting, stressful, scary, and complicated. It can also be fulfilling, comforting, exciting and perfect. I am willing to get personal with God… it is worth the responsible freedom…
