Eternal optimist in a crappy situation
do the blessings in my life make it hard for me to deal with the sorrows in my life? I am an eternal optimist. I am a glass half full ALL the time person. I am determined to always find the positive in all things even when in reality there is not a positive. You come to me with a complaint and I will find the good even when you don't want me to. I will complain for 30 minutes about something until you agree with me and then I will tell you that it isn't that bad and give you a list of the positive things about the crappy situations...annoying right???
Why do I have a hard time calling a spade a spade? Why can't I let a sorry be a sorrow? why do I have a hard time letting tears be tears and recognizing those are giving by God also? I feel guilty about receiving blessings and 10X more guilty when I complaining about a sorrow.
I have to figure out how to lay them all at the cross. He wants my praises and my tears. They are there and sometimes they are justified. I don't need to wallow in them but sometimes I need to call a spade a spade and recognize a crappy situation for what it is...a crappy situation.
And this to shall pass. And who cares if there is not lesson. I will chalk it up to a season of sorrow and annoyance with blessings and laughter thrown in...so I'll laugh when I can and cry when I need to.. and God is OK with that and wants them both.
homesickness...
Today my mom sent me this picture and it made me homesick...i miss the south. i miss my parents backyard. I would love to be sitting in the chair with a cup of coffee enjoying the sounds and smells of that back yard...this morning I desperately needed to be sitting there instead of where i was...
my heart's desire...
"You do not have because you do not ask" James 4:2c
"Lord all my desire is before you; and my sighing is not hidden from You." Psalm 38:9
"so whatever you ask the Father in My name, He will will give you." John 15:16b
three verses in less than 24 hours...okay I understand Lord. Really I am listening. It is so hard to really ask for something that I have asked for before. I have wanted this for over a decade and for one reason or another God has said no. Sometimes He has been clear and other times He has let me get really close only to tell me no again. But the reality it is one of the greatest desires of my heart. It is honestly all I have ever wanted to do.
I don't remember not wanting to be a teacher. As a child i played school with my dolls...yep not making that up. I love school supplies even to this day. I always enjoy going to staples or target when they put out the rows of new pens, pencils, notebooks and folders. I always walk through that area even when I don't need anything. Teaching is all I have ever wanted to do. I went to school and earned the degree. I took the test and acquired the license and haven't really used it...And now I find myself thinking about what to do next in life. This job has always been temporary and hopefully it will end this summer. The next step is to figure out what to do after this ends...And I need to pray for that next step.
I want to teach, Lord. I desperately want to find a job teaching in a school. I want to have my own classroom and my own students. I am ready to start the process again. I want to claim Psalm 38:9...All my desire is before you. You know my heart. I think my desires are pure and I believe they are of you. Please show me the place you want me to teach...
distractions
tonight/today i have been completely distracted...i can't seem to do the things i need to do. Today i needed to grab every second of the day studying when i had a spare moment. instead i seemed to be on the phone or cooking something new or blogging... i just can't seem to focus. I don't usually have a hard time studying but today it is a no go. And the last few days i have been doing the same thing with God...
I find myself finding something else to do besides read the word. I have been skipping my James bible study. I am not using baby feeding time to read psalms on my phone. I am not sure what I am avoiding or even why I am avoiding Him. I think i just fear what is next. He has been tough on me the last few weeks. Of course all needed toughness...but tough just the same. A friend gave me some words of wisdom the other day maybe i should try to put them into practice. Direct quote..'you know you would save yourself a lot of energy if you took joy in His discipline/speaking to you/teaching you instead of grumbling about it. AND He'd get a lot more done a lot less painfully.'
I don't know if i totally agree with the grumbling part but deep sigh I definitely need to find some joy in what God is trying to teach me and avoiding the Word isn't going to accomplish it...
women of my world...
Women are an interesting beings. I wish there was some way to describe how we think and why we do the things we do. But honestly that is just plain impossible. I am starting to believe God created women in order to help us recognize the mystery of Himself. Because let's be honest...women don't even understand themselves much less each other. And we are so different it is impossible to put us in a box. Last night I was blessed to spend sometime sitting and talking with some godly women. We ate together and then talked for 3 hours about everything in life and I do mean everything. I walk away from moments like that and shake my head in awe of the conversations women have. Part of me wonders if guys have anything similar to this and the other part completely understands why men don't understand us and they never will!
I am grateful that I have godly women in my life that I can sit with and talk with about life and everything in it. I have been blessed to find those in most seasons of my life. I have already started praying that God will help me find those women for wherever I end up next. Last night I needed that girl time. I needed to verbalize some things I had been thinking about. I am grateful they were there to listen. I am also grateful that I was able to listen to them also...In order to truly understand each other we often times just need to sit in a room with no distractions and talk...talk about life and God and ourselves and even sex:) Sorry ladies i just couldn't help putting that in there.... Maria, Michelle and Adel thank you...Thank you for sharing yourselves and being open honest godly women...
ummmm
My mind is literally going in about four hundred directions tonight. I am having the hardest time focusing on anything. Today has been a good day but a long heavy day. I am not 100% sure why. The sermon at church lead me to a list of things I desperately need to process, but I can't seem to focus on anyone thing in particular. I seem to be unable to concentrate on anything for longer than 5 minutes. Maybe part of me is avoiding processing....part of me is afraid of what God is asking me do to...part of me is scared of what I may have to start praying for...
Today's sermon was on Mark 4:35-41 when Jesus calms the storm. I feel like I am in the midst of the stormy circumstances of life, but I am almost afraid to wake God up and ask for help. Often times that asking for help means I have to do something also. I may have to think about my faith or handle a little rebuke from Jesus....
this is enough for today...
"Why are you relying on yourself, only to find yourself unreliable? Cast yourself upon him, do not be afraid. He will not withdraw himself so that you fall. Make the leap without anxiety; he will catch you and heal you." Saint Augustine
Confessions
