Roaming Tennessee Girl

I was always terrible at the no talking thing as a child. I know this is a complete surprise to anyone who knows me! ha! It is impossible to count the number of times I would get mad at someone and say I am not talking to you anymore.(yes I know I still say this today!) If I left the room I could last longer but if I stuck around it would take me about 45 seconds to start to say something. Usually I was attempting to clarify my point and make sure that the other person knew I was right. When it comes to an argument I have a hard time not making sure my point is made. I always want to withdraw into stubborn silence until the other person can't take it anymore and says something first. However that never seemed to happen. I always caved in first. But the same can't be said in my relationship with God.

Unfortunately my knee jerk reaction when I am frustrated with God is to withdraw all my affection. It is awful. I would like to say this is a one time occurrence but as I type I can think of time after time when that has been the case. I want something and God says no or wait...I digress into a life of superficial faith. It looks great on the outside. No one but me knows that my faith barely scratches the surface. I am doing all the correct works, saying all the correct things and pretending with the best of them. However I am mad at God for not making things work out the way I want in my own personal timing. This morning I realized I am doing it again....right now...in this season.

I have commented to a few people over the last few months that I am really having a hard time letting the word of God be alive to me. I feel like I am stagnant in my Bible time. I am not in awe or amazed. I say I am grateful and I am...God has blessed me a lot in the last year and a half. My life is different because of those blessings, and I don't ever want my life not to have them. However I find myself wanting more...again. I hate seeing that selfishness in myself. I hate that my selfishness has turned into being annoyed at God. I want things to fall into place immediately. I see what I think my future is going to look like, and I want it to start now. I am tired of road blocks or things that keep pushing everything back. I want it NOW! so I have defaulted to my withdrawal of affection reaction...and it is ugly. I am not even pretending to talk to God right now. Oh I am doing my bible studies and crossing things off my list, but it isn't personal. I am not talking to the one person who can be with me through this season...

I find myself needing to sit down with God and just talk and maybe even cry a little but oh I am afraid of what could happen if I did...