Roaming Tennessee Girl

dang it God

I am a relational person and proud of it. Getting to know people, hearing their stories and delving into who they are is just plain fun to me. I love to talk and love to listen to others. I often find myself having to tell me when I need to stop asking questions especially at first meeting. I thrive on good conversation. I am sure this comes as a total surprise to all who know and love me right:)

This weekend I went to a woman's retreat with my church here in Jersey. I did not plan on going. In fact it never really crossed my mind to attend. Over the years I have attended so many conferences and retreats it is impossible for me to keep count. Unfortunately this spiritual retreat overload has caused a wee bit...okay a huge...amount of sarcasm and cynicism in my life. They are all the same. You go drained and come home revived and rejuvenated...Ready to conquer anything the devil throws in my path. Same format-too much eating, worship music that ranges from weepy to jumpy, biblical leaders, small groups, bare all conversations, solve all problems and struggles in 48 hours or less, then return home after getting no sleep and LOTS of tears. Three weeks later forgot whole life altering moments and move on with daily life. (see only a wee bit of cynicism)

I was just not even remotely interested. I am little embarrassed to say I am pretty sure I rolled my eyes when the announcements began at Jacob's Well. However when I learned the venue for said retreat was to take place in Spring Lake at the awesome looking (on the outside) Normandy Inn my mind completely changed. I signed up and paid my money. Then tried not to think about how I annoyed I would probably be the whole weekend. Half a block from the beach in a town that kind of gives Pleasantville a run for its money and the town I spent 3 months living in during the fall was going to be worth it. But I had no expectations of seeing anything new or different happen in my life. I have done these retreats and honestly life is fine right now so no worries for me.

Of course God always has a totally different plan in mind. He had to take me to the Normandy Inn in a room surrounded my lots of creepy pictures of dead people and fake flowers to remind me of something. He and I have not had a conversation in a really long time. A true relationship delving conversation....me being honest and really talking to God.

Now first let me say I have been studying the word quite a bit lately. I am in a season where I really feel like I am learning more scripture than I have in years. I can easily recognize an increase in knowledge of God according to His word. In addition I feel like I have been making a more intentional effort to actually pray for others. Not just saying I would pray for someone but really doing it. I don't say that to brag...I say this to confess.

I have gone for several weeks if not several months and not really talked to God... Not actually told Him what was going on in my life...haven't poured out my heart and my desires and my frustrations to Him. Saturday while singing one those 'weepy' worship songs I had my moment of true conversation with my Father. It was sad and a hard thing to talk to Him about. I wish I could say it is all better and fixed. But it isn't. I don't know if He will ever answer it. However I rediscovered how wonderful it is to truly talk and I mean really talk to my best friend. Why don't I do this all the time?

God knows all things. He knows my heart and my desires and my thoughts and my frustrations. Since He knows, I forget He still wants to actually hear me talk about them. My friend Adel said "silence is the Devil" this morning. And yikes how true this especially in my relationship with God. I can't ever have a true intimate relationship with Him if I don't TALK to Him. Maybe my desire to converse with Him will last longer than 3 weeks this time...As a relational person who loves to talk most of my conversations should happen with the ultimate Creator. He has the best story to tell and He is also making my story really good.

posted by deanna @ 8:10 PM